So this is what panic feels like

At work this morning, about 10.45, my breast care nurse calls. Oh good, I think, I was going to call to ask about this Wednesday’s appointment anyway. What she then said knocked me sideways.

“Can you come in to the hospital today? We discussed your MRI results at the MDT meeting this morning and you need another ultrasound scan. We’ve found something on your MRI.”

Adrenaline instantly flooded through me. One of my colleagues looked at me with shock, she must have seen my reaction. I gathered up my things in a blind panic, I knew my team would see me suddenly leaving, but I had to get to the hospital straightaway. Fortunately it had poured with rain that morning, so I had driven and not cycled to work.

My thoughts kept going to a bad place, I kept pulling them back to a calm place.

“Oh my God, they found something!”

“It’ll be fine”

“Concentrate on driving”

“Oh my God, they found something!”

“It’ll be fine”

“Concentrate on driving”

At the clinic, I’m given a referral note for the Imaging Department. I go to Imaging and another wait with another pizza bleeper. I read the referral note as I wait. It instructs a scan of my right side. Phew. Whatever the “something” is, it’s not in my left breast.

The doctor performs the ultrasound scan of my right breast, and reassures me he thinks it is just internal bruising from the biopsy (I knew it had hurt!).

But I have to see one of the consultants to confirm. Another wait. His view is that it is bruising, and not anything suspicious. I then ask for more details of my case, and he confirms I will only need a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy at this stage.

This evening I am utterly spent. Emotionally exhausted. It’s the shock that is so draining – when I can prepare for an appointment, prepare to hear difficult news, it is so much easier to manage. But this is good news, this is great news, my MRI has shown nothing more. Now that’s worth celebrating (if I had the energy).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s